Mock Suburbia
by stuffbylouie
Summary: Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine pose as newlyweds and move into a brand new suburban community called 'The Greener Side', where married couples have been going missing under mysterious circumstances.
1. Chapter One

**MOCK SUBURBIA**

_Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine pose as newlyweds and move into a brand new suburban community called 'The Greener Side', where married couples have been going missing under mysterious circumstances. _

Since the dawn of time (1999) this story has been sitting in my computer collecting cyber dust. Yes – it's old! Almost ten years old. All it needed was some editing and a decent conclusion. I started writing it just after I finished watching the X-files episode 'Arcadia', where Mulder and Scully also have pretend to be husband and wife at this spooky high-class community.

Speedy/Polly and Guido/Francine fans may like this one (although it's not meant to be a romance, just a silly 'what if they married' kinda thing).

* * *

**Narrator:** Oh good! You're just in time for Speedy and Guido's action packed movie marathon! (Groan) Turn to the Disney Channel while you still can …

**Guido:** Let's see ... (carrying an armful of DVD's) ... what shall we watch first? Ah ha! (Drops the DVD's on his coffee table, except for one) How 'bout 'Sirens'?

**Speedy:** (sitting on Guido's couch with his arms folded) Sirens? Never heard of it. Does it have spies?

**Guido:** No.

**Speedy:** Ninjas?

**Guido:** Nuh uh.

**Speedy:** Badly dubbed karate guys going 'HIYAAH!' and chopping things with their heads?

**Guido:** Nada.

**Speedy:** (going for the last resort) Not even Jedi's?

**Guido:** (reading the description on the back of the DVD cover) 'When a painting is termed blasphemous, a young minister and his wife visit the artist in Australia ... '

**Speedy:** (interrupting) Sounds interesting! (Adds under his breath) About as interesting as the Narrator ...

**N:** I get no appreciation. NONE!

**Guido:** Come on, Speedy! Would I select something boring? It's totally cultural! Did I mention it has Elle MacPherson swimming in a lake with … (showing him the picture on the back) … no clothes on?

**Speedy:** (suddenly lights up) You know, I've always loved culture. Forget Jedi's, play that DVD!

**Guido:** (turns on the TV, but is distracted by a news update) Hey, did you hear about this?

**Speedy:** (sarcastic) Did you hear about Elle MacPherson in a lake without any clothes?

**Guido:** (ignores Speedy) There's this new suburban community just outside of Little Tokyo. One of those picket fence type places with perfect lawns and stuff. Some residents have disappeared without a trace ... even their garden gnomes go missing. Creepy huh?

**Speedy:** What part of the phrase 'play that DVD' did you _not_ understand?

(Phone rings.)

**Guido:** Who would be calling now?

**Speedy:** Dunno, but you can tell them their timing sucks! Can I start the DVD?

**Guido:** No way, you'll make me miss the beginning.

**Speedy:** You'll miss a bunch of previews, big furry deal!

**Guido:** I like previews …

**Speedy:** BUT –

**Guido:** (with the phone to his ear) Hello? … Who is this? … Oh, it's you Polly! Sorry, you've got a terrible telephone voice. You sound like you sucked in a balloon ... Yeah, I don't like you either ... Uh huh ... Now? But me and Speedy were ... An emergency? ... Did you cut yourself while shaving again? ... Calm down, it was a joke! … I do NOT smell like livestock! Where do you come up with these insults? ... Fine … We'll be right over.

(Guido hangs up.)

**Speedy:** What's Polly calling you for?

**Guido:** She's passing on a message for Big Al. He wants us over at the Palace for an emergency meeting right away.

**Speedy:** Princess Vi didn't stab herself in the gum with a toothpick again, did she?

**Guido:** Nah, I think she uses floss now. We better go and see what Al wants. Time to change scenes!

**Speedy:** Aw, already? (Stands up) The Palace better have a DVD player …

**N:** Never mind the fact that we were just in Guido's 'Bachelor Pad' – a completely new set – and the audience doesn't even get a lousy description! Those two Guido fans in the world will be very upset right now.

**Guido:** You want a description? Okay, fine … (pointing around the place) … that's the lounge room, kitchen, poster of Yasmin Bleeth on the fridge, bedroom with waterbed, my rap-free CD collection and a bean bag that survived the eighties. Anything else you wanna know?

**N:** (disgruntled) Just get on with it.

**Speedy:** (following Guido out the front door) Neat-o! You got a waterbed?

**Guido:** 'Neat-o'? Who says that any more?

(Cut scene to the Palace where Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine are kneeling on the floor around Big Al.)

**Al:** I have a top secret mission for you Pizza Cats. I'm sure you're all aware of the unsolved disappearances at the suburban community 'The Greener Side'. According to my sources, every time a new couple moves in they soon vanish without a trace! As a result, 'The Greener Side' is now in danger of closing down and ... (suddenly distracted) … Speedy and Guido for the _last_ time, put that DVD cover down and pay attention!

**Speedy, Guido:** Sorry Al ...

**Al:** As I was saying. _Your_ job is to go undercover and pretend to be new property owners.

**Francine:** (cutting in) Ah, excuse me Big Al. But why do you want us to do this? Couldn't you hire professionals? We have no experience as spies!

**Al:** I've asked you because I have a feeling Big Cheese and his crows have something to do with this, and rotten Cheese is a field you do have experience in.

**Speedy:** (insulted) Pardon me Al, but what do you mean by that!

**Fran:** It's a metaphor Speedy.

**Polly:** (explaining further) As in 'Big Cheese' rotten cheese?

**Speedy:** Oh! Sorry. I thought he was insulting the pizza.

**Al:** I want your full attention on this operation Pizza Cats. That means no messing around! Any questions?

**Speedy:** I have a question! Are the houses equipped with DVD players?

**Al:** What? Shut up, Speedy!

**Polly:** (addressing Al) So do you want us to move in to these houses as roommates?

**Al:** (smiling conspiringly) Hardly. You see, 'The Greener Side' prides itself on being a family place. It targets newlyweds who want to raise children in domestic paradise. So, I've split you up into two happily married couples –

**All, except Al:** (unhappily shocked) WHAT!

**Al**: Speedy and Polly, you'll be Norville and Lilian Jones. Guido and Francine, you'll be Hugh and Jenny Smith. Exciting, huh? It'll be just like a TV show!

**Fran:** It's not exciting!

**Polly:** This is a TV show!

**Guido:** I can't be married! I have dates to think of!

**Speedy:** Ah ... excuse me but _Norville_? How can you call me NORVILLE!

**Polly:** (smirking) This coming from somebody named 'Speedy' with a surname that's a food dish .

**Speedy:** Yeah shut ya yap 'Polly Esther', you cheap fabric!

Al: (talking over top of them all) QUIET! It's only pretend and it's only temporary. Besides, you'll all be too busy to play house!

**Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran:** (still unsatisfied) BUT –

**Al:** (yelling) SILENCE!

**N:** Nice Princess Vi impersonation! I guess Al doesn't get out much.

**Al:** You have your orders. You'll move out tomorrow morning. Everything's been arranged. I expect you to stay in character and mingle with the neighbours. NO GOOFING OFF! Understood?

**Speedy**: (saluting him) Yes sir, Sgt Dente!

(Big Al gives Speedy a dirty glare.)

**Speedy:** I mean ... (timid) ... understood.

**N:** We now conveniently skip to the next morning where our heroes are married and moving into their new homes!

(Speedy and Polly appear extremely grumpy while driving towards 'The Greener Side' complex.)

**N:** Don't tell me … (chuckle) … the honeymoon period's over already?

**Polly:** (sitting in the passenger seat) What do you mean 'over'? Like it ever began!

**Speedy:** (driving while shifting uncomfortably in his seat) This suit Big Al made me wear is chafing me! I think 'Norville' should seriously consider a wardrobe and name change.

**Polly:** More like 'Lilian' should get a wardrobe change. All I've got to wear are sweater sets! But we may as well forget it, we're not supposed to change anything about the identities assigned to us. Those are the rules!

(Polly leans forward and feels for something under her seat. The next minute she sits back up, holding two folders: one that says 'Lilian' and another that says 'Norville'. She opens the one labeled 'Norville' and begins to read.)

**Polly:** Norville Yancy Jones –

**Speedy:** YANCY!

**Polly:** Yes, Yancy! Deal with it … (continues) … aged twenty-two. Financial consultant. His favourite sports are golf and sailing … (flicking pages) … he's a Sagittarian, allergic to peanuts, was a bed wetter until the age of thirteen …

**Speedy:** Enough already! This guy's a dork!

**Polly:** Speedy, you're going to have to read your profile and learn it. How can you go undercover if you don't know anything about the cover?

**Speedy:** Oh, and I suppose you know everything there is to know about … (thinking) … Linda!

**Polly:** Lilian!

**Speedy:** Close enough!

(Polly throws the folder at Speedy's head in frustration.

They arrive at their new house ... )

**Real Estate Agent:** (showing Speedy and Polly around) And this is your ensuite bathroom. And this … (leads them out to another room) … is the master bedroom. We had the king-sized bed delivered last night, just as you ordered Mr Jones.

**Speedy:** I did? (Polly nudges him) I mean, I did! Yes, me and the wifey like the bed big.

**Polly:** Yeah, so we can have _a lot _of space ... (glaring quickly at Speedy)

**Real Estate Agent:** I'm guessing you two had a lovely honeymoon! Paris, was it?

**Speedy:** Absolutely! Spain's an amazing country.

**Polly:** (through gritted teeth) France!

**Speedy:** FRANCE! Yes, France. (Covering his tracks) You see, we went to Spain _after_ we went to France. I always get those two mixed up! Had a swell time didn't we muffin? (Puts his arm around Polly)

**Polly:** You bet ... (cringing) ... dumpling.

**Real Estate Agent:** (leaning over to shake both their hands) Welcome to 'The Greener Side' Mr and Mrs Jones! You're lucky to get this place so quickly. It ah … (in a creepy sort of tone) ... recently came on the market.

**Speedy:** This place has a DVD player too, right?

**Polly:** (irritated) Oh, give it up already Spee – (correcting herself) – er, I mean Norville … Norville! You have to excuse me, I'm suffering a little jet lag.

**Real Estate Agent**: (hands over the keys to Speedy) I'll leave you two to it then. If you have any problems, don't hesitate to call. Bye bye!

**Speedy, Polly:** (too happy) BYE BYE!

(The Real Estate Agent walks out of the bedroom and leaves.)

**Polly:** (changes from happy to annoyed in a breath) Speedy, since whenwas Paris in Spain!

**Speedy:** Well … (trying to think of a witty comeback) … you got some stuff wrong as well! You forgot that I'm ... (cringe) … 'Norville'. Why did Big Al call me that?

**Polly:** Remind me to buy you an Atlas when we get home! In the mean time … (changing the subject) …was it me or was that Real Estate woman kinda strange?

**Speedy:** How so?

**Polly:** I don't know, I just got a feeling …

(They go downstairs to the kitchen, just as the phone rings.)

**Speedy:** (picking it up) Jones residence! Sanctuary of marital bliss, who may I ask is calling?

**Polly:** (rolling her eyes) Kill me now …

**Speedy:** Hey 'Lilian' honey, guess what? It's our neighbours, Mr and Mrs Smith!

**Polly:** Oh goody! I'll go mark this date in the calendar and we'll celebrate it every year!

(She exits the room in a huff.)

**Speedy:** Geez, somebody needs a cup of tea … (switches back to talking on the phone) … so 'Hugh', how are things? You guys settled in?

**Guido:** Hardly. Francine's driving me crazy! She keeps moving all the furniture. She's even trying to find the phone number for the nearest hardware store so she can re-paint the walls teal! _And_ she's folding all the ends of toilet rolls into little fancy points. It's like living with Martha Stuart on a six pack of Red Bull!

**Speedy:** Yeah, Polly's getting on my nerves as well. Can I send her over there and you come over here so that we can have that movie marathon?

**Guido:** Al says we're not supposed to know each other yet. It's too early. He suggested we wait until one of the neighbours throws a welcome party.

**Speedy:** Welcome party? I haven't seen any stupid neighbours since we got here!

**Guido:** Me neither. Maybe it's like a secret society?

**Speedy:** Nah, I don't remember seeing that in the script.

**Guido:** Sorry Speedy, I'll catch up with you later. Francine's yelling at me about something … I have to stick her head in the gas oven.

**Speedy:** At least you got the one that cleans. I got the pre-menstrual catwoman!

**Polly:** (yelling from another room) I HEARD THAT!

**Guido:** Bye Speedy. (Hangs up, and turns around to Francine) What's up now?

**Fran:** I wanted to know if you think the vase in the hall looks better on the left or the right side of the dresser?

**Guido:** (irritated) Francine!

**Fran:** Jenny.

**Guido:** Fine, Jenny! Next time you want to yell at the top of your voice, chose a flash flood or food poisoning. Not vase placement!

**Fran:** I'm sorry, Guido – I mean, Hugh. It's just I feel so anxious here! Interior design calms me down.

**Guido:** Interesting method.

**Fran:** Plus I've always dreamed of owning a big home like this. It just makes me feel like nesting!

**Guido:** Well, quit it! We're not married, this isn't our house, and we're not birds!

**Fran:** Oh Guido, people went missing here and nobody knows how or why. Doesn't that bother you? There could be a man hiding in our closet!

**Guido:** I'm more suspicious about the garden gnomes myself …

**Fran:** The what?

**Guido:** (pointing out the window to the front yard) See for yourself! We have gnomes now but tomorrow … (casting her dark look) … _who knows_.

**Fran:** Who cares about garden gnomes what about ME!

**Guido:** Gnomes have feelings too ya know.

**N:** Back at the Jones residence! Sanctuary of marital dung ...

**Polly:** (in running shoes and gym clothes) Speedy, I'm going for a jog around the block. I'll check out the other houses while I'm at it.

**Speedy:** (peering out a near by window at the house next door) Good idea, except these houses look deserted. I can't see any TV's on!

**Polly:** Maybe they're doing something else.

**Speedy:** (laughing in disbelief) Yeah right! Like what? Talking?

**Polly:** Possibly.

**Speedy:** Wow ... (with wide eyes) ... this place is freakier then we thought!

**Polly:** Or maybe they don't _have_ TV's, did you think of that?

**Speedy:** Okay, now you're just scaring me!

**Polly**: (shaking her head in dismay) I'm gonna go. Your TV-DVD obsession is getting old fast!

**Speedy:** Fine ... (on another notion) ... by the way, when are you cooking dinner?

**Polly:** (stopping abruptly in her tracks) What did you say?

**Speedy:** You know, dinner? The last meal of the day? Right after lunch? You are my wife after all, 'Lily-pily' … (winks at her)

**Polly:** (hands sternly on hips) And this is the twenty-first century, 'Norvy-porvy'! Besides, I saw a microwave meal in the freezer.

**Speedy**: Microwave meal? What about real food!

**Polly:** Well, there's always that jar of mustard in the cupboard. I'm sure you'll think of something!

(She heads out the front door with a wide grin.)

**Speedy:** We've been married one day and already I have to eat frozen food? (Yelling after her, before the door slams shut) I WANT A DIVORCE!

**Polly:** (yelling back) FINE BY ME!

(Cut scene to Polly taking a jog past one of the neighbour's houses.)

**Polly:** Hmm ... (observing the house) … Speedy is actually right about something. There appears to be nobody living in these houses. I thought only _some_ couples went missing, not the entire neighbourhood!

**N:** Maybe after they heard you were moving in they decided to relocate to another cartoon.

**Polly:** (mad) YOU COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT NARRATOR!

**N:** No! Why don't _you_ come up HERE!

**Polly:** Then that's just what I'LL – (suddenly confused) – hey, where are you anyway?

(A guy comes out of the house in question, carrying a garbage bag.)

**Polly:** Ah _ha_! Life! (Waving) Hello!

**Neighbour:** (startled) Oh, er hello! I didn't see you there.

**Polly:** (jogging towards him) I'm the new neighbour … and you are?

**Neighbour:** New neighbour? I wasn't informed people were moving in ... (holding out his hand) … hi, I'm Peter White!

**Polly:** I'm Poll … er, Lilian Jones! I've just moved into number seven with my husband – (cringe) – Norville.

**Peter:** (eyebrow raised) Number seven, you say?

**Polly:** Yes, number seven. We don't believe in any of those silly disappearance rumours! Ha ha!

**Peter:** (in a dark tone) Really?

(Long pause.)

**Polly:** (slightly nervous) Sure. Do you?

**Peter:** (hastily checking his watch) Look at the time, I should be inside! Nice to meet you Lilian.

(Peter hurries back in the house.)

**Polly:** (after a moment's reflection) Now _that _was odd.

(Polly proceeds to walk back to her house. She's almost around the block when – )

**Peter:** (running after her) Lilian! Hey, I just had a quick word with the wife. We thought it'd be nice if you and your husband came over tonight for dinner. We could all get to know eachother a little better. What do you say?

**Polly:** Oh … well, yeah! That sounds nice. It's not too much trouble, is it? Do you have enough food?

**Peter:** Oh yes, we have enough food! It's no trouble at all.

**Polly:** All right then. Do you mind if I invite the other new neighbours along too?

**Peter:** You mean there's more?

(At the Smith residence near by … )

**Fran:** (peering out the living room window) Guido! I mean Hugh, Polly – I mean Lilian!

**Guido:** Let's drop the codenames for tonight, huh?

**Fran:** Okay. It seems Polly's met one of the neighbours!

**Guido:** Cool! Is he green, scaly and wearing spandex?

**Fran:** Huh? Have you been spraying the toilet air freshener in your mouth again? I told you that stuff doesn't work on breath.

**Guido:** I know, I remember your hour long lecture. Look, I was reading an article on alien abduction, and I have a theory –

**Fran:** (cutting him short) Stop RIGHT there mister! I'm already creeped out enough in this place, don't make it worse by talking about aliens!

**Guido:** You're right. It's probably not aliens anyway.

**Fran:** Thank you!

**Guido:** In fact it might be vampires! Did you know –

**Fran:** (puts her fingers in her ears and walks away, singing) "I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny!"

**N:** And at the Jones residence across the road …

**Fran:** (still singing) "You get SPRUNG! Wanna pull up tough cuz you notice that butt – "

**N:** _I said _at the Jones residence across the road!

**Polly:** (yelling as she walks through the front door) Speedy, don't eat anything! The neighbours have invited us to dinner!

**Speedy**: (meeting her in the kitchen) Don't worry, I couldn't open the mustard.

**Polly:** You were going to eat a jar of mustard for dinner? What are you, a nomad?

**Speedy**: It was your suggestion LILIAN my WIFE who doesn't cook meals for her generous HUSBAND!

**Polly:** Speedy, I'm _not_ your wife! Get a grip on reality and come next door with me … otherwise you see that meat mallet over there? (Pointing to the kitchen bench)

**Speedy:** Yeah?

**Polly:** That's gonna be your new tail. Now go get dressed! We have to go and invite our other neighbours along, the Smiths.

**N:** And so, after they were dressed and Speedy smelled strongly of his signature pepperoni aftershave, over the road they went to the Smith house. Fa la la la! Happy families!

**Guido:** (meeting them at the door) Well if it isn't the neighbours, finally coming to say hello! You guys run out of sugar?

**Speedy:** You guys disappeared yet?

**Polly:** Cut it out you two! Guido, tell Francine we're going to meet some of the neighbours for dinner.

**Guido:** Hey, that's right! You met one of them, didn't you? Me and Francine saw you out the window. Anything fishy to report?

**Polly:** I got a weird vibe from this Peter guy. I don't know, something was off about him.

**Guido:** So you didn't notice anything like extra pale skin, or slightly sharper teeth?

**Speedy, Polly:** Huh?

**Fran:** (who just appeared behind Guido) I told you Guido – I mean Hugh! Don't start talking about all that supernatural stuff around me! What's going on?

**Polly:** We've been invited to dinner! It's short notice, but it could be a lead.

**Fran:** Great! I'll go fix my hair … (darts back inside)

**Guido:** Considering she doesn't re-arrange any furniture on her way, we should be right out!

(A little time later, when Francine and Guido are ready, they all begin to walk down the street together towards Peter's place.)

**Polly:** Remember everyone, we're _really_ undercover now! Everybody act like happily married couples.

**Speedy:** Yeah! And look out for anything 'cheesy' ... not including the appetizers!

**Guido:** Gotcha! (With his arm around Francine) This is exciting, huh Jenny?

**Fran:** (less than enthused) Thrilling ...

**N:** After the Cats arrived at Peter's place, they were quickly introduced to his wife Cici, after which everyone gathered round the dinning table for food that was beyond the caliber of Speedy's jar of mustard – hence, he was very happy to have come along.

**Cici:** (talking to Guido) So! Hugh, how did you and Jenny meet?

**Guido:** Ah ... (thinking on the spot) … in rehab!

**Fran:** (almost choking on a chicken bone) _Agh_!

**Guido:** (pats her on the back) You okay there, Jen? (Continues to explain) I was a shock therapist and Jenny was my patient.

**Fran:** I think I need a toilet break ... (looking at Peter) … can you tell me where the toilet is?

**Peter:** (pointing) Down that hall there and to the left. You can't miss it.

**Fran:** Thanks.

(She gives Guido a glare as she departs, though she can still hear him talking as she walks away … )

**Guido:** Jen has been hearing voices for years. That's why she seems a little sketchy!

(In the bathroom … )

**Fran:** (angrily talking to herself ) Oh, just wait until I get that smart mouthed Gui – Hugh home! He's the one who needs rehab, not me. I'm perfectly all right.

(She suddenly hears an electronic, buzzing sound … )

**Fran:** (listening) What's that?

**N:** The wheels in your head turning?

**Fran:** Very funny!

(And in the dining room … )

**Polly:** (with a strong note of sarcasm) That was a _very _interesting story, Hugh.

**Guido:** How's about you, Lilian? How did you and … (clears his throat) … _Norville_ meet?

**Cici:** Yes! Do tell.

**Polly:** Let's see, it all began –

**Speedy:** (interrupting) Ah, actually sweet pea, I'd like to tell it if you don't mind!

**Polly:** (not liking this idea at all) But … honey bunch, they asked _me_ to tell it.

**Speedy:** Yes I know darling, but you always get to tell it.

**Polly:** But –

**Speedy:** (talks over her) Thanks buttercup, I knew you'd understand! (Turns to the rest of the table) It all started when my precious here made an appointment for plastic surgery.

(Polly drops her fork while Guido stifles a laugh.)

**Peter:** Are you a plastic surgeon, Norville?

**Speedy:** (playing along) Why yes! Yes I am.

**Peter:** What a coincidence, so am I! What practice do you work for?

**Polly:** (sounding smug) Yes cookie, what practice do you work for?

**Speedy:** I, ah … (looking to Polly for help, but doesn't receive any) … my practice! My practice … well, it's –

(Suddenly, Francine returns from the bathroom … looking afraid.)

**Speedy:** (happy for the distraction) Hey, Jenny's back! Here Jenny, have some potatoes! (Scoops potatoes on her plate) Tell us a story, any topic!

**Polly:** (a little worried about her) Jenny, are you all right?

**Fran:** I'm … feeling a little sick now that you mention it. Hugh … (turning to Guido) … I must've forgotten to take my medication. Can we please go home so I can take it and I can get some rest?

**Guido:** No problem! I'll finish my chicken leg and we'll go.

**Polly:** (taking Francine's hint) It's okay, we'll escort you guys home. Norville has to wake up early tomorrow, he's got surgery.

**Speedy:** But … (gazing longingly at the food on his plate) … I'm not through yet!

**N:** After some timely efforts on the girl's behalf to drag the boys from their chicken and say goodnight, we now catch up with them walking back home.

**Polly:** (trying not to yell too loudly) Plastic surgery? What were you THINKING! (Slaps Speedy's head)

**Speedy**: _Ow_! I thought it was a good cover!

**Polly:** I'll staple your tongue to your forehead, THEN we'll see who needs surgery! Don't you remember your profile? Norville's a financial consultant, not a plastic surgeon! And _you're_ a CEO for a construction company! (She slaps Guido)

**Guido:** OUCH! We're actors, we improvise. It's fun!

**Polly:** This isn't supposed to be fun, nitwit! Fran … (concerned) … what happened back there? Are you really not well?

**Fran:** (extremely sarcastic) Oh you know, nothing's been the same since I stopped having shock therapy.

**Guido:** (smiling) First thing that came to mind, I swear! But seriously, you weren't yourself after you went to the bathroom. What happened?

**Fran:** I found a hidden camera behind a vent in the wall. _And_ a hidden stairway in the linen cupboard.

**Polly:** (shocked) A hidden camera! And a stairway in the linen cupboard?

**Speedy:** (as shocked as Polly) Why would they need a camera in the bathroom? That's just nasty!

**Guido:** Where'd the hidden stairway go, Fran?

**Fran:** Somewhere dark and gloomy underground. I didn't have time to check it out obviously … plus the camera buzzing around made me edgy. All I wanted to do was get out of there! There's something wrong with that couple. And now they'll know _I _know about their stairway because of their secret camera! They'll come after us in the night and we'll disappear before morning!

**Polly:** (taking charge) I agree with Francine, I didn't feel comfortable for one second in that house! Even before I knew they had hidden cameras and stairways.

**Guido:** (pondering something else) You know … I bet that stairway leads to where they're keeping all the vampires.

**Polly, Fran:** (ticked off) GUIDO!

**To be continued ...**


	2. Chapter Two

**Narrator:** Not wanting to appear suspicious by standing together in the street too long, the duel couples went their separate ways and called it a night … though they were hardly tucking themselves into bed! Speedy for one was still hungry.

**Polly:** (setting up a telescope against the lounge room window) Speedy, put down that jar of mustard!

**Speedy:** (pouting) Can't I go outside and see if there's a 7-Eleven round the corner?

**Polly:** We can't go outside, it could be dangerous.

**Speedy:** The way I figure it, it's more dangerous in here! People went missing _inside_ the house, not outside of it … (puts down the mustard and goes to polish his Ginzu sword instead) … see anything worth mentioning out the window?

**Polly:** (peering through the telescope) Thirty houses and on not a single thing going on. Nothing new!

(Over the road … )

**Francine:** No no, you keep watch and _I'll_ be on guard!

**Guido:** Be on guard with what, Francine? Your booklet of paint colour samples?

**Fran:** _No_! Look … (leaves the screen for a moment, and returns a beat later) … I can use this!

(Francine shows Guido her weapon.)

**Guido:** What is that?

**Fran:** A rolling-pin, silly. Aren't you meant to be a pizza chef?

**Guido:** I know it's a rolling-pin! What I mean is, our show is about _samurais_. We tend to use swords, not rolling-pins!

**Fran:** Polly uses a frying pan, doesn't she?

**Guido:** Not if there's a big fight scene! Put that thing away, it's embarrassing.

**Fran:** But I'm really nervy … and I think I'm getting scurvy!

**Guido:** (totally confused) _What_?

**Fran:** You see? I'm so nervous I'm manically rhyming! Hurry or I may start miming!

**N:** Anything but that!

**Guido:** Okay! You've convinced me. I'll man the telescope, you be on guard.

**Fran:** (about to leave, but turns around and says) And don't just sit there staring at those garden gnomes all night!

**Guido:** How … ? (Looking at her, bewildered) How did you know I was sort of … planning on doing that!

**Fran:** (smirking) I know everything about you, 'Hugh'. I'm your wife! Remember?

(She struts off, giggling.)

**Guido:** (yelling after her as she leaves) FAKE wife! If she's not careful I'll tell her my zombie theory.

(Back across the street … )

**Polly:** Did you hear that?

**Speedy:** What?

**Polly:** _Ssh_! There it is again. Listen!

(The sound of footsteps … coming from the attic.)

**Speedy:** (gulping) It's probably a mouse. You should go check it out before it gets away.

**Polly:** Me? (Outraged) So you've just been sitting around polishing your sword for exercise, huh? You're the one on guard, _you_ check it out!

**Speedy:** But … checking out a scary noise in the attic is not cool! Don't you watch movies?

**Polly:** Do you even remember your role as the fearless leader of this group?

**Speedy:** Point taken … (stands up, leaving his sword) … this name 'Norville' is getting to my head. Whoever heard of a non-peanut eating fearless leader called Norville!

**N:** Fearless, non-peanut eating leader Norville cautiously climbs the stairs to the attic. Shouldn't you have brought your magical Ginzu sword, Norville?

**Speedy:** It's a mouse! I'll just step on it …

(He scans the area. Quickly. _Too _quickly.)

**Speedy:** Well that's a relief! I'll just go back down and tell Polly that there's nothing – AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

(From down below … )

**Polly:** (calling out) SPEEDY! What … AGH!

(At that moment, ten or so masked ninjas dressed from head to foot in black appear on the scene. They hadn't just been hiding in the attic – they'd been hiding behind curtains, inside closets, in the oven … you name it!)

**Speedy:** (running towards Polly, yelling) NINJA SQUAD! NINJA SQUAD IN THE HOUSE!

**Polly:** (yelling back) I NOTICED!

**N:** Why don't you just step on them?

**Speedy:** SHUT UP!

**N:** Speedy and Polly are surrounded! How will they get out of this one?

**Polly:** Got any other suggestions?

**N:** No! Unfortunately, things are no better for Guido and Francine …

**Fran:** (walking around upstairs) Oh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea! (Peering into empty rooms, keeping a tight grip on her rolling-pin) Maybe Guido should be the one on guard …huh?

(She hears a noise coming from the closet in the hall. Francine carefully opens the door. She opens it a little way … then stops. Then, about to open it some more, it flings open on its own and knocks her backwards.)

**Fran:** (screaming) AAAHHH!

(Down below … )

**Guido:** FRAN! (Abandoning the telescope and charging upstairs) FRANCINE!

**Fran:** (whacking a ninja repeatedly on the head with the rolling-pin) DIDN'T I SAY THERE WAS A MAN IN THE CLOSET!

**Guido:** (in shock) WO! Fran, back up! I'll handle him!

**Fran:** (still whacking) NO CHANCE, HE'S MINE! YOU CHECK THE HOUSE FOR MORE!

**Guido:** Er, okay … (impressed with Francine and her rolling-pin) … wow, she's got skills with that thing. WHOA!

(More ninjas! Running up the stairs.)

**Guido:** Crap, they can clone!

(Guido kicks one down. As a consequence, this ninja falls back on the ninja behind him, until the rest all fall like a stack of dominos.

And back to the Jones' … )

(Speedy fights three ninjas at once in the kitchen, while Polly handles the rest in the lounge room.)

**Speedy:** I'm a qualified pizza chef, boys! Watch me work this cutlery … YAH!

(Speedy starts throwing steak knives . Most strike the ninjas, one narrowly misses Polly's head, and another smashes the mustard.)

**Speedy:** (traumatised) THE MUSTARD!

**Polly:** (glaring angrily at Speedy) WHAT ABOUT MY HEAD?

**Speedy: **The mustard was defenseless!

**Polly:** (slashing a ninja with her claws) Take that! And THAT!

(Polly grabs another ninja by the collar and tosses him through the lounge room window, smashing it to shards. Then she realises something … )

**Polly:** (looking down at one of the defeated ninjas on the floor) Speedy!

**Speedy:** What?

**Polly:** They're robots!

**Speedy:** They're _what_?

**Polly:** ROBOTS!

**N:** (being overly dramatic) Dear GOD! Robots? On this show? That's MADNESS!

**Speedy:** AAHH!

**Polly:** SPEEDY!

(Polly heard a loud ZAP! sound. She dashes for the kitchen, just in time to see a couple of ninjas carrying a passed-out Speedy to the front door.)

**Polly:** PUT HIM DOWN!

(But before Polly could go after Speedy, another ninja leaps in front of her. Blue electric shockwaves pulsate all over his black gloved hands … )

**N:** I think he wants to cuddle.

**Polly:** Oh no you don't!

(Running for it, Polly leads the ninja out the smashed lounge room window and into the front yard where she grabs the garden hose.)

**Polly:** Anybody ever tell you you need a bath?

**N:** But I had one this morning!

**Polly:** Not _you_!

(Polly sprays the oncoming ninja with water, after which the ninja buzzes and sizzles to the lawn. Terminated. Remembering Speedy, she dashes back inside the house … but Speedy's gone.)

**Polly:** (calling out in vain) SPEEDY!

Before Polly goes outside to search for Speedy, she sees his Ginzu sword left on the floor. She picks it up.

Meanwhile, across the street … )

**Fran:** HEY, PUT ME DOWN! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE –

(Another loud ZAP! sound. One of the ninjas has electrocuted and captured Francine. Guido spies a group of them carrying her out the front door and into the street … )

**Guido:** HEY! LET HER GO OR I'LL –

(A ninja suddenly leaps out, blocking Guido from the door.)

**Guido:** Eat FIST!

(Guido punches the ninja's head – so hard, it dislocates from its body and flies through the air. Guido is impressed.)

**Guido:** Wow! Those extra sessions at the gym have really paid off. FRANCINE!

**N:** But as Guido ran outside into the darkened street, Francine was no where in sight.

**Guido:** (shouting at the top of his lungs) _FRANCINE_!

**Polly:** (running towards him, with Speedy's sword in tow) GUIDO! Guido it's me!

**Guido:** POLLY! (Running up to her) Are you all right?

**Polly:** I've had better episodes.

**Guido:** I lost Francine, these ninja dudes kidnapped her!

**Polly:** I know, they kidnapped Speedy too. And they're not dudes, they're robots!

**Guido:** Robots?

**N:** Yes, robots! Why is this a shock to everyone but me?

**Guido:** So that's why that guy's head came off so easily … (disappointed) … oh, they weren't supposed to be ninja robots! They were supposed to be ninja _zombies_!

**Polly:** Can we talk about this some other time, Guido? Like when our friends haven't disappeared and we're not being chased!

**Guido:** Say what?

(Polly points to the ten ninjas running towards them.)

**Guido:** RUN AWAY!

**Polly:** (sarcastic) You think?

(Polly and Guido start running, the ninjas in hot pursuit.)

**Guido:** Let's go to Peter and Cici's house. I got a hunch that stairway in their bathroom leads to where ever Speedy and Francine were taken!

(Thundering towards Peter and Cici's house, Guido was about to pound on their front door when – )

**Peter:** (opening the front door, wielding an axe) YAAAAAAAH!

**Polly, Guido:** (terrified) AAAAAAAAH!

**Polly:** BACK OF THE HOUSE!

(Polly and Guido rush to the back of the house, where they're met with Cici … carrying a chainsaw.)

**Cici:** (cackling like a maniac) AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!

**Polly:** SIDE OF THE HOUSE!

**Guido:** MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

(Running to the side of the house, Polly and Guido see that the lounge room window is open. They decide to sneak in …

They tiptoe through the house, which is mostly dark … except for a light that's on in the bathroom. Guido looks over his shoulder at Polly and points to the bathroom. Polly nods.

Then Peter appears. With his axe.)

**Polly, Guido:** AAAAAAAAH!

**Peter:** (running after Polly and Guido) INTRUDER ALERT – INTRUDER ALERT – INTRUDER –

(Polly chucks a vase at Peter's head. It smashes and breaks. Peter falls to the ground … shaking and speaking nonsensically, like he's having a seizure.)

**Peter:** ALERT – INTRUDER – WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD – HONEY, I'M HOME!

(Peter goes quiet and limp. Polly and Guido carefully edge towards him … )

**Guido:** (looking down on Peter, confounded) What the hell just happened?

**Polly:** That vase I threw had water in it. Don't you see, Guido? Peter was a robot! They're _all _robots!

**Guido:** Man, this is worse then that 'Stepford Wives' movie! They really don't want us going into that closet, huh?

**Polly:** I was getting that impression.

(All of a sudden … the sound of a chainsaw. Polly and Guido move quickly.)

**Polly:** The bathroom! _Hurry_!

**N:** Amidst all this domestic chaos, our hero Speedy Cerviche …

(Close-up of Speedy's face: eyes closed, tongue lolling out and drooling.)

**N:** … is dead.

**Speedy:** (sputtering suddenly, waking up) _Gah_!

**N:** My god, it's a miracle!

(Both Speedy and Francine are strapped down to beds like mental patients. They appear to be in some kind of laboratory. There's a metal tray with various surgical instruments close by … )

**Fran:** (sounding freaked) Speedy, wake up you moron! _Wake up_! Don't leave me here to die alone!

**Speedy:** (spluttering again – more loudly) GAH! I'm up, I'm up! Where am I? Francine?

(Speedy tries to sit up, but realises he can't.)

**Speedy:** (struggling) Hey! What gives? Where's Polly and Guido?

**Fran:** How should I know, I've only been awake two minutes!

**N:** And then, the source of all their troubles enters the room … wearing a white laboratory coat. It's a bit of stretch, considering how he usually leaves wardrobe in a dress and a wonder bra.

**Big Cheese:** (winking) I'm wearing ladies panties underneath the coat!

**N:** Too much information.

**Speedy, Fran:** _Big Cheese_!

**Big Cheese:** You were expecting Ted Koppel?

**Fran:** We should've known!

**Speedy:** I thought we did know? I mean, who else was it gonna be?

**Fran:** Aliens or vampires?

**Big Cheese:** (shouting) JERRY!

(Jerry walks in after the Big Cheese, also wearing a white laboratory coat.)

**Jerry:** Yes your cheesiness?

**Big Cheese:** Bring me those free latex gloves I got with my dishwashing detergent. It's time to prep for surgery!

**Speedy, Fran:** SURGERY!

**Big Cheese:** (ignoring their panic) Who are you two supposed to be? Are you … (holding up a clipboard) … Norville and Lilian Jones or Hugh and Jenny Smith?

**Speedy:** She's Jenny, I'm … (grumbling) … Norville.

**Big Cheese:** (pleasantly surprised) Is that so? How _dishy_! It's only been one day and you're already shacking up with the neighbours!

**Fran: **(indignant) The _nerve_!

**Speedy:** (also indignant) There has been no shacking of any kind!

**Big Cheese:** Jerry, any news on the whereabouts of the discarded spouses?

**Jerry:** Not yet boss, but the ninjas are on the lookout. They should be bringing them in any second now!

(Jerry hands the Big Cheese his gloves, who then 'snaps' them into place.)

**Fran:** I demand to know what it is you plan to do with us!

**Big Cheese:** Oh, it's nothing! All I'm going to do is enter your nasal cavity with my pointy little friend here … (grabs a pointy tool) … and distribute a personality-modifying computer chip into your brain!

**Jerry:** He's very good. He's seen every episode of 'ER'!

**Fran:** Funny, I never saw the episode where the doctor's stick computer chips in their patients BRAINS!

**Speedy:** (over-dramatic) HE'S A MADMAN! A MAAAADMAAAAN!

**Fran:** (glaring at Speedy, unimpressed) Are you done?

**Speedy:** One more. MAAAAAADMAAAAAAN!

**Fran:** (glaring back at the Big Cheese) Why do you have to stick chips in our heads anyway?

**Big Cheese:** So you'll obey my every command, what else? It's what I've been doing to all the couples who move in here. New couple arrives … my 'watchdogs' Peter and Cici alert my brigade of robotic ninjas … the captured are sent underground so I can tinker with their thinkers and _whala_! Instant slaves! Soon I'll have an entire army of young people at my disposal. I'll overthrow the Emperor and rule Little Tokyo!

**Speedy:** Overthrow the Emperor and rule Little Tokyo? Gee, _that's_ original!

**Fran:** Like we haven't been there a dozen times before.

**Big Cheese:** (stomping his foot) Oh, what would know! Who do you people think you are, those pesky Samurai Pizza Cats?

**Speedy:** Careful! We might all choke on the dramatic irony.

(Francine giggles.)

**Big Cheese:** Besides! I had the ingenious idea to infiltrate the real estate market this time round. The 'Greener Side' was the perfect trap! Not _only_ will I rule Little Tokyo, but I'll be so rich I'll be able to buy the rights to my own cartoon show!

**Speedy: **(scared) THE HORROR!

**Jerry: **Cheesy's promised me second billing.

**Big Cheese:** (Holding up the pointy tool, with a grin) Now, which one of you wants to go first?

**Speedy, Fran:** (cowering) EEP!

**N:** While the Big Cheese fiddles around with his favourite pointy tool (that just sounds wrong, doesn't it?), the very fate of Speedy and Francine lies within the paws of their cohorts, Polly and Guido!

(Polly and Guido attempt to walk down what feels like the never ending stairway, leading from Peter and Cici's bathroom linen closet … in pitch darkness.)

**Polly:** (treading behind Guido) Why can't you get your helmet light to work?

**Guido:** I'm trying! Why can't you get yours to work?

**Polly:** I'm not wearing my helmet! AH!

**Guido:** YAHA!

(Polly stumbles and falls down the remainder of the stairs – taking Guido with her.)

**N:** Yep! Speedy and Francine are as good as doomed.

**Guido:** Well … (groaning and sitting up from the ground) … that's one way to get to the bottom of things!

**Polly:** Yeah, but the bottom of what?

**Guido:** Take my hand, I'll try and lead us.

**Polly:** I can't see your hand!

**Guido:** Well, hold out your hand then ... (reaching out) … there you are. AGH!

(Infuriated, Polly slaps Guido on the arm. He shrinks his hand away.)

**Guido**: What the hell was that for?

**Polly:** _That wasn't my hand, Guido_!

**Guido:** (half-smiling) I'm sorry, it's dark!

**Polly:** I'LL lead us! You good-for-nothing tomcat …

(Polly reaches out for what she thinks is Guido's hand. Guido chuckles.)

**Polly:** What? What is so funny?

**Guido:** That's not my hand, babe.

**Polly:** (doubly infuriated) GUIDO!

(Guido's helmet light suddenly flickers on.)

**Guido:** What do you know, you located my light switch! _OUCH_!

(Polly slaps him repeatedly.)

**Guido:** Ouch ouch OUCH! _Enough_!

**Polly:** I should've left you upstairs with Cici and her chainsaw!

(With the aid of Guido's helmet light, Polly and Guido see that they're in la ong, underground tunnel; not unlike a sewer.

Then, all of sudden, from the darkness ahead somebody can be heard shouting 'MAAAAAADMAAAAAAN!'. Polly and Guido recognise his voice immediately.)

**Polly, Guido:** (turning to eachother) THAT'S SPEEDY!

(Back in the laboratory … )

**Fran:** I thought you said you were done!

**Speedy:** I'm about to have a chip forced into my brain so _excuse me_ for embellishing my lines and my dramatic ACTING!

**Jerry:** Acting schmacting. I've seen roadkill act better then that!

**Speedy: **Well, at least it's delaying everybody until our imminent rescue!

**N:** Don't hold your breath.

**Speedy:** AGH!

(The Big Cheese hovers over Speedy, ready to operate.)

**Big Cheese:** Now hold still! You might feel some excruciating pain behind your right eye, but don't worry! That's completely normal.

**Speedy:** (struggling like crazy) WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

**Fran:** (also struggling) LEAVE HIM ALONE!

**Big Cheese:** Quiet, missy! You'll get your turn …

**Fran:** NORVILLE, CLOSE YOUR NOSTRILS!

**Speedy:** I'm trying, I'M TRYING!

(Suddenly – )

**Guido:** (kicking the door down to the laboratory) FREEZE!

(Big Cheese and Jerry hold their hands up on impulse.)

**Fran: **(smiling) Hugh!

**Speedy: **(also smiling) Lily-pily!

**Big Cheese:** (speaking to Jerry) "The robotic ninjas should be bringing them in any second now!" I don't SEE any robotic ninjas, Jerry!

**Jerry:** (grumbling) Maybe they're late?

**Polly:** (pointing Speedy's sword towards them) DROP YOUR WEAPON!

(The Big Cheese drops the surgical tool and the chip immediately, with a cheesy grin on his face.)

**Big Cheese:** I was just going to trim this one's nostril hairs, honest!

**Speedy:** No he wasn't! He was going to stick that thing up my nose and put a computer chip in my head, turning me into his mindless slave!

**Big Cheese:** Right. _After_ I trimmed your nostril hairs! Trust me, you need it. AGH!

(Polly kicks the Big Cheese in the head, striking him unconscious.)

**Jerry: **Uh oh!

(Polly then punches Jerry, also striking him unconscious.)

**Jerry:** Down I go …

(Jerry lands ontop of the Big Cheese. Polly looks down on them and giggles.)

**Polly:** I always thought those two made a beautiful couple!

(With the villains out of the way, Polly and Guido go over to Speedy and Francine respectively, freeing them from their binds.)

**Guido:** Are you guys all right?

**Polly:** We were so worried!

**Fran:** (sitting up) We're fine … considering. (Looking to Guido) Did I or did I NOT say there was a man hiding in our closet!

**Guido:** Yes you did, honey. But you were also the one who said she wanted to be on guard!

**Polly:** (throwing Speedy his Ginzu sword) Thought you might be needing this, baby cakes.

**Speedy:** Aw, shucks Lilian! You remembered! You guys got here in the nick of time … (suddenly looking suspicious) … what took you so long anyway?

**Polly:** What do you mean what took us so long? (Outraged) We were looking for _you_, dimwit! You weren't exactly easy to find, you know.

**Speedy:** (glaring over at Guido, eyebrows crossed) Did she make you a sandwich?

**Guido:** What?

**Polly:** _What_!

**Speedy:** She never makes me food!

**Polly: **(rolling her eyes) That's right, Speedy. During our hunt for you and Francine, I stopped to make Guido a sandwich. That makes PERFECT sense!

**Guido:** Well, she didn't make me a sandwich but she did –

**Polly:** (shouting over him) GUIDO!

**Guido: **… fix my helmet light.

**Fran:** Is this really important right now, guys? Shouldn't we be thinking of a way out of here?

**Polly:** We know the way out. It's that stairway leading down from Peter and Cici's bathroom.

**Guido:** Just make sure you side-step the crazy lady thrashing a chainsaw when you reach the top!

**Polly:** (turning to Speedy and Francine) What was all that stuff about a computer chip?

**Speedy:** I told you! Big Cheese was going to stick it in my brain to control me. He said that's what he's been doing to all the newlyweds that come in here. It's all part of his latest scheme to take over Little Tokyo. He's says got enough couples to make up an army!

**Polly:** Well, where are the missing couples? They must be around here some where!

**Speedy:** Search me!

**Guido:** Guess we better go looking for them.

**Polly:** Right!

**Fran:** (sighing to herself) Poop. Just when you think it's time go home …

**N:** Tell me about it. The intrepid trio –

**Fran:** AHEM!

**N:** Er, I mean the intrepid _quartet_ decide the best way to find out where the missing couples are was to play a little 'good cop, bad cop' with the Big Cheese and Jerry Attric.

(The Cats tie the now conscious Big Cheese and Jerry to the beds which Speedy and Francine previously occupied.)

**Polly:** (yelling) WHERE ARE THE NEWLYWEDS!

**Speedy:** (also yelling) TELL US OR WE'LL STICK ALL THESE SURGICAL TOOLS UP BOTH YOUR NOSTRILS AT ONCE!

**N:** Okay, so they're just playing 'bad cop'!

**Jerry:** All the missing couples are located in our second laboratory.

**Big Cheese:** (angered) Jerry, you idiot! How could you answer them so easily?

**Jerry:** Hey I want to go home too. There's a re-run of the 'Love Boat' I really want to see tonight!

**Big Cheese:** (suddenly excited) OH OH! Is it the one where Patrick Duffy guest stars? He's dreamy!

(The Cats walk out of the laboratory, locking the Big Cheese and Jerry inside as they continue to discuss tonight's episode of 'The Love Boat'.)

**Guido:** That was easy!

**N:** Easy nuthin' …

(At that moment, twelve robot ninjas appear in the near distance … charging straight for them.)

**Speedy:** (noticing the ninjas) I think I speak for everyone when I say RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AAAAHHHH!

**Polly, Guido, Fran:** AAAAHHHH!

(Speedy and Guido, with their helmets lights shining, lead the way. Everyone runs as fast as they can.)

**Fran:** (talking while running) Did anyone get a location on that second laboratory?

**Speedy:** (thinking) Eh … come to think of it, no.

**Polly, Guido:** CRAP!

**Speedy:** (going to the last resort) NARRATOR!

**N:** Maybe you should try that door coming up on your right that says 'Second Laboratory'?

**Speedy:** Hey, thanks!

**N:** I can't believe I get paid for this …

(Speedy, Guido, Polly and Francine dive through the door and close it just as quickly – locking it tight. Taking a moment to catch their breath, they then look on the scene before them: the second laboratory was at least four times as large as the one they'd just been in. There were rows upon rows of hospital beds … all them occupied by a missing newlywed.)

**Guido:** Gasp!

**Polly:** Gulp!

**Fran:** Golly!

**Speedy: **_Gambawhamba_!

**N:** Er, yes … that goes without saying! Speedy, Polly, Guido and Francine each investigate the situation, but as they approach each bed they soon realise everyone's in a deep sleep.

**Polly: **(clicking her fingers in front of a guy's face) Hello in there? Sir? _Hello_!

**Fran:** (standing over someone else) No luck from this end, it's like they've all gone 'round the bend! How are you guys going?

**Guido:** I got nothing. They're out cold! Not unlike myself on a Sunday morning.

**Speedy:** This place gives me the willies! It's like a morgue … hey, what's that thing over there?

(Speedy suddenly notices a giant machine on the other side of the room, with a big computer screen. He walks towards it to have a closer look … )

**Speedy:** (thinking) _"Hmm, I wonder if this super computer thingy controls the chips the Big Cheese implanted in everyone's brains?"_

(Deciding to test his theory, Speedy presses a large shiny red button. A blaring alarm and a red light immediately goes off.)

**Speedy:** (falling backwards) WAHA!

**Polly:** SPEEDY! What did you do?

**Speedy:** Nothing! I thought it was a video game!

**Fran:** Video games at a time like this? (Shrieking) _AH_!

(The guy Francine was inspecting suddenly sits up and grabs her wrist.)

**Fran:** (scared) GET HIM OFF, GET HIM OFF!

(Guido intervenes, pulling Francine out of the way.)

**Guido:** Hey buddy, that's no way to treat a lady! AGH!

(A girl suddenly grabs Guido from behind, trying to choke him.)

**Guido:** (waving his arms frantically) HEY HEY! I know I'm a sexy superhero, but this is RIDICULOUS!

(In that instant, _all_ the newlyweds rise from their beds … their faces blank and their eyes fierce.)

**Newlyweds:** CRUSH! KILL! DESTORY!

**Polly:** THEY'RE HOSTILE!

**Fran:** (sarcastic) Gee, what tipped you off?

**Guido:** (escaping the girl and running to Polly and Francine) Didn't I say there were gonna be zombies?

**Speedy: **(joining the group) They're not zombies, they're computer-chipped! Everybody stand back … (unleashing his Ginzu sword) … I'll put an end to this once and for all. The Norville you all knew and loved is gone! Speedy Cerviche is BACK!

**Polly:** (grabbing Speedy's arm) Speedy, _no_! They're innocent civilians, you can't catslash them!

**Speedy:** They're cameos, big deal! We can always animate more.

(The newlyweds advance towards them, step by step … repeating the words 'CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!'. The Cats are cornered against the front door.)

**Guido:** There's no way out! Those ninjas are still on the other side!

**Fran:** We're done for!

**Speedy:** WAIT! I got it! I'll catslash the computer! It's gotta be what's controlling them all – YAH!

(Speedy jumps acrobatically over everyone's heads, landing on the other side of the room. He has a clear shot … )

**Speedy:** (waving his sword) It's time for you-know-what!

**N:** Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's the renowned Ginzu sword sequence we like to recycle every episode! You know how it goes …

(Speedy catslahses the machine, turning it to smoke and bolts. All the newlyweds halt in their tracks; shaking their heads and blinking, like they'd just woken up.)

**Newlywed One:** Hey, what's going on?

**Newlywed Two:** Where am I?

**Newlywed Three:** (running towards his wife) _Maude_!

**Newlywed Four:** (running towards her husband) _Jeremy_!

(All the couples dash towards eachother in slow motion, starry-eyed.)

**Guido:** (repulsed) Gag me …

**Polly:** (equally as repulsed) I suppose this means we're out of danger.

**Fran:** Yeah. Who would've thought Speedy would save the day?

**Guido: **He has to save the day, it's in his contract.

**Speedy:** (posing triumphantly) TA DA!

**N:** After Speedy and the rest briefly explained to the newlyweds what had happened, everyone went back up to the surface via Peter and Cici's bathroom stairway. Upon leaving Peter and Cici's house, they were surprised to see cop cars parked all over the street. Wow, there are _cops_ on this show! What the hell have they been doing all this time, eating donuts offscreen?

**Big Al:** (suddenly appearing) Actually, most of the people you see here are from the secret service.

**Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran:** Big Al!

**Speedy:** What are you doing here, Big Al?

**Al:** The show's wrapping up soon, so I figured you would've thwart the evil-doing by now … I came down here to get a piece of the action! Exciting, huh?

**Guido:** Yeah … (looking around) … so what's with the suits?

**Al:** The secret service? They've been tracking this case for a while. They apparently came here after one of their agents was almost hacked to bits by a woman with a chainsaw!

(Polly and Guido smirk at eachother knowingly.)

**Polly, Guido:** Cici.

**Al:** So what happened? Was the Big Cheese behind it?

**Fran:** No, it was a mad bunch of zombies … (winking at Guido)

**Polly:** (laughing) We'll explain it to you on the way home, Al!

**N:** After collecting their bags and things from their 'homes', the Jones' and the Smiths' said goodbye to 'The Greener Side' once and for all! Hopping into Big Al's station wagon and heading back to Little Tokyo.

(Speedy sits shotgun next to Big Al. Polly, Guido and Francine sit in the back.)

**Al:** So … (chuckling) … how did you all find married life? Any words of wisdom?

**Speedy:** (yawning) I learned marriage is hard. Nobody cooks for you, you've got ninja people secretly hiding in your house, and you can't watch DVD's!

**Guido:** Amen, pal! Though I still want to get married some day. I'm holding out for the tuna fish wedding cake … _hey_!

**Fran:** What?

**Polly:** Did you forget something?

**Guido:** The missing garden gnomes! What did the missing garden gnomes mean?

**N: **I think we'll leave it there, folks. The director's giving me the 'look'. Until next time!

**Guido:** BUT –

**N:** THE END!

(Meanwhile, still tied up underground … )

**Jerry: **I can't believe I'm missing 'The Love Boat'. It started five minutes ago!

**Big Cheese:** (depressed) It's the end of the show, Jerry. We must've lost again. Think I'll explode now …

**Jerry: **(terrified) ROLL THE CREDITS!

(The Big Cheese turns red and explodes – predictably.)

**THE END**


End file.
